June 12, 2008
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Unsure if anyone still reads Xanga, I have pretty much moved over to facebook for my journal entries. Add me on facebook if you have not already!
Here are just three of my newer entries on facebook, one regards Dad’s death, another just my own personal observations, and the last one was a strange dream I had about Dad…
So last night I had one of my first memorable dreams about Dad since the wake in December.
Dreams are so hard to remember when you wake up, and grow
increasingly more difficult to remember as the day goes forward so I
will try my best to recall last night’s dream…I dreamt that I was at a family get together, location unknown. I
recall seeing the back of my Dad complete with mismatched suit and
gray-black hair. I just passed him by as I was busy meeting the rest
of the people at the gathering. Then I noticed Dad there mingling with
the other guests and doing his hand gestures and making people laugh.The dream definitely had to have happened after Dad’s passing since
the weird part of the dream was that that was not really Dad, but more
like a voodoo interpretation of him. Some odd thing where a shell of
the person you knew could be brought back to life temporarily but that
thing would not really be able to replicate memories of the person you
knew but be a bit more like a robot.I know that is a bit strange, but it was such a dream come true to
just have Dad standing there making people laugh and doing so many
things that are signature Dad. It was awesome, and I recall bursting
into tears at seeing him and how happy/sad I was to just have things
how they used to be….I
have come to realize more and more especially in the last 8 years, that
I have developed more of a social disorder/dysfunction in certain
settings.Of course, I feel that I had many awkward years growing up… and
rather than harnessing alot of that I have come to discover that most
of that has stayed with me until today.It is as though I have a like dark cloud or some sort of a mask that
instantly comes on when I am faced with having to interact with
people…. strangers or friends. Though in some cases, I would much
rather go through a group of complete strangers than past a group of
people that I know and have conversed with.I constantly have the thoughts in my head that A.) “Oh, that person
definitely does not want to talk to me”… B.) “There is no way they
remember me”… C.) “I could be interupting a deep conversation”… D.)
“Maybe they did not see me so don’t be that person that waves at thin
air”… or even E.) All of the above.I wish I did not have to battle through these thoughts as I approach
a group of people or pass by a friend talking with their friend on the
street.When I was younger I would end up talking to myself or just putting
my head down. In junior high through high school I would distract
myself with looking at my watch or cell phone…I really enjoyed college since I could just blend in with the
streams of college students making their way to classes, and then just
get lost in the classroom.I am scared of getting into small conversation with someone and then
them discovering that it is just small talk and that I really have
nothing more to say… HA, that is actually funny when I reread that.Just when I think I can go up to anyone or when I befriend someone
to the point where I know I am completely accepted something always
happens that resets that confidence.I have been successful at times imagining that I am a more
successful and confident self. So just as I can talk myself down,
occassionally, I have been surprised at how I can talk myself up… like
when I gave my wedding speech, my Dad’s eulogy, through emails and
blogs, and in some job interviews.Unfortunately, bridging that “super” vince with the “lowly,
invisible” vince is really the thing. I feel that to my wife and baby
son I can bridge both Vince’s since I know there is an unconditional
acceptance there; but to pretty much everyone else there is that leap
of faith, that rope that I must swing from or that hand that I must
hold. With time I know I can do this… I think writing and sharing
helps
So
I decided to restart my online blogging after taking a few years off
from xanga. I figure I can use the facebook site since I end up
checking this site pretty regularly the entire day and since it
currently has my most updated friends.So Dad passed away from a heart attack just 2 months ago on Dec. 8,
2007. It was a complete shock to everyone that knew him and especially
for us. He had his heart attack surrounded by so many of his friends
and through video, pictures, and stories from witnesses he was living
that time in the Philippines to the fullest.My mom, brother, wife, baby, and I were all in the States and in
some way spared from having to witness our “Superman” fall. The wake,
funeral, ceremonies, and festivities were all very warm and really
offered us a tremendous gift to be able to remember our very
soft-spoken, humble, and compassionate Dad.In a way, his death was Dad’s final gift for us. It was a way for
Dad to share us with his friends and family. It was a way for all of
us to share in his goodness, to share in his example, to share in the
stories, and to share in the love.I always knew my Dad to be amazing… I try living each day showing
him that I am the fruit of his love for Mom, Don and I… and I know that
he is smiling at me from Heaven.
Comments (1)
Sorry to hear about your dad. I recently made a comeback to Xanga myself. Stick around even when you’re not blogging in Xanga. And no, I don’t have a Facebook account.
Just a random Xangan passing by….